Blue is for boys and pink is for girls. Right? Boys are all slugs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails and girls full of sugar and spice.
But how early do you and your children have to choose their gender stereotype and if you mess with the ‘norm’ are you messing with your child’s future?
Last week I went to the shops buy plasters (or band-aids).
They were for my three-year-old son who, in reality, doesn’t have a scratch on him but has a vague obsession with all things medical.
As we reached the supermarket aisle we faced a choice.
Blue plasters with robots on them?
Or pink plasters with butterflies?
I asked my son, ‘Which ones do you want? Blue or pink?’
‘Pink.’ He replied with absolute toddler confidence.
As I took them from the shelf I heard a brusque voice behind me.
‘You can’t get the boy bloody pink Band-Aids! You’ll turn him gay.’
I turned to see a man in his late 40s, semi-normal looking, his face a mask of outrage and confusion.
How should I reply?
I could have told him about the contrary association of pink with boys in 20th-century America.
Or I could have quoted the article in the trade publication Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department from June 1918, which said:
“The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.”
But instead, lost for a clever retort, I simply responded with: ‘Good.’
Then grabbed my son’s hand and headed for the checkout.
I mean – seriously?
I am firmly in the ‘nature NOT nurture’ camp when it comes to homosexuality. I believe your sexuality is innate, not something you pick up on the way, like a taste or distaste for Vegemite.
But as my son gets older I’m realising that an awful lot of people disagree.
Dress your boy in bright colours, let his hair grow a little long, allow him to play with a doll or let him watch ‘Angelina Ballerina’ and you will most certainly be judged.
It’s even worse when it comes to activities.
My son loves to dance so I found a local dance class called ‘Jelly Jazzers’ where the kids basically jump around like cocaine-fuelled monkeys to an assortment of foul Europop. I knew my son would love it.
But since it was on a Thursday, when I work, I asked my husband to take him.
My son was the only boy.
My husband was the only dad.
The girls all had pink tutus.
When my husband asked why, the teacher told him that lots of parents consider dancing to be a girls-only pastime.
It makes no sense to me.
Haven’t they seen the moves on Usher?
When a boy becomes a man, don’t we associate his cool dance moves with a certain prowess under the sheets?
Aren’t some of the world’s best dancers men?
None of it matters. No dads brought their sons and eventually even my ultra-liberal husband got turned off.
My son also goes to Little Kickers (football for small kids): the class includes 18 boys and one girl. All the parents compliment the parents of said girl on how cool it is that she’s playing football.
So while girls doing ‘boy things’ at a young age is cute, the folk around my way seem to think that boys doing ‘girl things’ is a recipe for homosexuality.
Then there’s the make-up.
My son also likes to try a bit of make-up now and again. I told another parent this and they told me in no uncertain terms that I should ‘nip it in the bud’. Really? Some of my favourite male actors, musicians and pop stars slather themselves in make-up. Many metrosexual pals of mine are known to use a touch of concealer.
And anyway, what the fuck? HE IS THREE!! Can’t the poor kid just be a kid, experiment and be happy?
And even if all of them are right, even if I’m setting my son on a path of absolute gayness – is that such a bad thing?
I won’t care either way if my son is heterosexual or homosexual. I’ll just be delighted that he grows up happy and healthy and loved.
Your thoughts?
Do you agree with gender stereotyping? Do you dress your girl in pink-only outfits? Do you think boys should be encouraged to play certain games? Let me know.
About the Author: Kate Toon
Kate Toon is a writer, poet, copywriter and hula hoopa who lives on the Central Coast, (NSW) with her husband, son and dog. She likes to writes about dog poo, stalkers, bogans, being a mum and all the little things in life.
Kate has had heaps of plays performed across the globe.
She’s an active member of the Australian Poetry Society and is signed with literary agents Curtis Brown who are representing her children’s books. Her anthology of poetry “Gone Dotty” was recently published with Vivid Publishing. In ‘real life’ she’s a well-known advertising copywriter for large brands and small businesses. She can't bake cup cakes but she can play the recorder with her nose. Which is far more important really.
Kate regularly blogs her general ramblings at www.katetoon.com Related Posts
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Keep on with what you’re doing, Kate. I was never interested in make-up, pink things, or dancing when I was a kid and I still turned out gay.
Thanks Graham. Agreed the one has nowt to do with the other.
Any advice for how to guarantee he develops an awesome six pack?
Don’t contribute to body dysmorphia! Tell him you’ll love him whether his stomach is flat or not
But I think no alcohol is the key. Probably a bit early for him to get into that anyway…
Ha ha. I jest of course. I love his little tummy!
Yep no alcohol is the key to so many things. Which is a shame cos it’s also very enjoyable.
Boys love to wear nail polish at that age…and your son will no doubt be obsessed with dinosaurs when he gets a bit older. It’s a rite of passage. My youngest sister demanded she be called Jim for years (as did Katherine Hepburn). Once, mum caught her in the toilet trying to wee standing up. She is (relatively) straight. Has weird boyfriends, though.
My other sister had an imaginary friend called Jane Smorth. Jane was a right pain in the a*%e. Her family had better cars (note plural…they had at least four, in the days when even owning a car was a privilege), she lived in a better house, she had a swimming pool, her mother was more beautiful…we hated Jane Smorth AND her family. I can’t remember what happened to her; I think she must have moved interstate.
Yes my son is currently sporting blue toes.
So far no imaginary friends, but I really hope Jane Smorth doesn’t turn up at our house, she sounds like a right cow.
I had an imaginary dog called ‘Hairy’ but it only lasted a few weeks until I let him escape. All the walking him was killing me.
Thanks for commenting.
Kate
Yup. My 3year old son prefers wearing tights/leggings, his favoruite colour is purple, his favourite toy is a bear called Henrietta (who sports a blue dress), and he pulls all this off wearing my lipgloss, nail polish, bashing his cars, playing lego, wrestling with friends, riding his bike super fast downhill, and reading about space and volcanos. He is in full-time school now and I wonder how long until the purple loving, lipgloss wearing will be socialised out. At least in China, ballet is a serious athletic pursuit for both(all?) genders.
Hey Lyndall thanks for reading and commenting. It’s good to know my son is in good company. Hurrah for blue nail polish wearing volcano loving boys.
How are the gender stereotypes in China? Same as in AUstralia?
Its a bit different and messy here. It is very common to see old ladies hauling heavy things on building and road sites while men watch – a thowback to the Communist Revolution where women were percieved as workers/peasants too. Men can be both really effeminate (particularly younger guys) and masculine, and young women very girly/babyish. Men smoke. Women do not. Both hack up their lungs on the street. Everyone asks if Leo is a boy or a girl (the big eyes and non-black hair confuses people). His nail polish gets comments from everyone, including his montessori teachers. Boys are still preferred. Our local taxi driver laughs at a colleague because he has two daughters.
Awesome article as always Kate – sounds like your son has a great mum!
Just a small SEO side note, it looks like the links back to your site at the bottom of the article have been entered incorrectly (possibly as internal links in the CMS).
Hi Adrian, thanks for your kind words. I hope he think so too!
Yep you were right about those links. Apparently absolute links don’t work in WP user profiles. So I’ve removed them. Thanks for spotting that!
It’s very simple for us all really. Just support what makes our kids happy. it’s all we can do. I have an almost 5yr old starting school this year (in 4 weeks time) who right at this moment is walking around in his sister’s dress with a gold wig on his head wearing old black heeled boots that used to be mine. He’s happy and he’s in his ‘Nikki Minaj mode’. But he is aware that he has to wear a boys uniform at school and happy with that also – that for which I am grateful. but I have had many people throw those sorts of comments in my face and it appalls me. My child is happy and creative and loved. that’s all I care about.
Ah good to hear, I’m sure your 5yr old will thankyou when he’s older for letting him be his little Nikki Minaj self.
Happy and creative are two awesome words to describe your child and I agree that’s what matters.
Either way take as many photos as you can, fabulous blackmail material when he’s older.
Thanks for commenting.
Kate
We decorated Dylan’s nursery in green, dressed him in green Bonds’ outfits too but he still won’t eat broccoli. Where did we go wrong?
You could at least have made a proper commitment to not stereotyping your child Kate >>
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/9028479/Couple-raise-child-as-gender-neutral-to-avoid-stereotyping.html
Okay well I’m glad you posted this as to be honest I was never 100% sure of your gender. The whole Graham thing really had me fooled.
“I discovered later that I’d been described as ‘that loony woman who doesn’t know whether her baby is a boy or a girl’, she said.”
Great article, thanks for sharing.
Fab article Kate.
I worked for the Equality Commission for Northern Ireland for a while and we had a research report called ‘Betty the Builder, Neil the Nurse.’ which showed that children have gender stereotypes in their heads about occupations by the age of 4.
We’ve moved on a little but not a lot. I am always mildly amused when my kids have taked about God (Not very often I might add!) and they refer to ‘her’….
Really? How sad
We really need a cartoon called Nancy the Neurosurgeon.
It’s all around us though, just recently I discovered boys dress up out fits come in cowboy, batman, darth vader (pretty cool actually) and fireman. I found a doctor one, (the girl one was a nurse). Girls can choose from princesses and princesses.
Cooking seems to have been released from it’s gender stereo type now. You can get Blue pots and pans. Perhaps due to Jamie Oliver?
Thanks for commenting.
Definitely – pink band aids? outrageous, before you know it he will “develop” gender dysphoria and worse than being gay, he will want to be a girl
An old friend told me last night that his youngest son like to wear his Mum’s high heels; “he does really well in them” he said with a twinkle in his eye, “he makes it from the front of the house to the back no probs, impressive” he went on “he loves dolls so we bought him a pram for christmas, he just loves it, who cares, he’s happy!” This was a surprising story to me given this friend over our 20 year friendship has only displayed blokey bloke behaviour.
I could continue in to the dangers of passing homophobia on to our children but thats probably way to obvious for this audience.
As to the Band-Aid heckler; maybe ask him if he has ever seen Billy Elliot?
Oh my god is there any thing worse that wanting to be a girl? Girls SUCK!
I think if I had any high heels my son would be right into them but I sacked them off a few weeks back (see my high heel hell post on this very site).
I think Billy Elliot had yellow plasters.
Thanks very much for commenting!
Kate, read your latest discordia post, but rather than have just an opinion, I opted to also reveal a little of the first 19 years of my life.
Soccer and dance go together so well, co-beneficial! Butterflies, so much more fun following the real ones in the garden growing up, and well robots… Pink or blue , growing up in a house where rooms were painted green, pink, blue, purple, orange, and where plants in yard flowered in those colours, along with yellows, reds, and a few others… With five of us, clothes (nearly all home/hand made, bar a few, This was the 70s in the bush) where more often than not hand me downs, colour made no difference. Makeup of face paint, is there much difference, it’s still artistic impression, and the first is easier to get a hold of at home. At 10, I can remember being dressed up as the farmer’s wife for something related to school too.
Plus, way back in 89 my original career path chosen was to become a nurse… Long story as to why I did not follow through after I was accepted as a student nurse at the Princess Alexandra in Brisbane.
Maybe that was just a ramble, an attempt to say I just see people as people, and that your decision to go with freedom of choice in allowing your son the opportunity to choose, is a good one. But if you end up with a son whose a top soccer play that can dance, and knows how to wear makeup to achieve maximum endorsements on and off the field, then I think you’ll be well looked after in years to come for that freedom… Was that over romanticised??
Hey Sean
Thanks for your (very beautifully written) feedback. Yep my childhood was spent in my brother’s hand me downs, climbing trees, making dens and having adventures. I was never a girly girl, into pink or dolls, or make up. I don’t remember my parents ever saying I couldn’t do something because I was a girl. This has helped me grow up to be a pretty confident person, with an ‘I can do anything I put my mind to’.
Definitely not over romanticised, rather very very well put.
Thanks for commenting.
Kate
I follow what you mean, through out the years, many of the girls that I have as friends, grew up being more boy than girl.
I am for sure a Tom boy (as we’d say in England)!
A random stranger in the supermarket accused you of trying to turn your son gay? Even if it were possible and true, what business is it of his?
Both possible and true.
No business at all, but some people feel more than happy to comment on other peoples parenting skills, don’t you find?
Thanks for commenting.
This is way bigger than we think Kathryn and way more pervasive. The gatekeepers of gender are everywhere and they are always ‘surveying’ for appropriately gendered behaviour, just like the dance teacher and soccer Mums n Dads in Kate’s story. As an aside they are also the sexuality gatekeepers and probably very bad in bed as well … my question is why conflate gender and sexuality at all? For if both are innately ‘unnatural’ (as all the nail polish wearing and dress up boys in these posts would attest ie gender can be and is performed) why do we have to work so hard to naturalise them ie boys/blue, girls/pink? And if gender is not a given then neither is sexuality. Imagine the amazing relationships we could have if we let go of that one? I’m just sayin’. Thanks Kate, great conversations
And if gender is not a given then neither is sexuality. Imagine the amazing relationships we could have if we let go of that one?
There’s a post in that Karen…
Love your comments, thanks very much
Love this piece Kate, let him be what he wants, childhood is full of curiosity and fun. You may like this http://www.easypeasykids.com.au/wpblog/593/child-behaviour/my-son-plays-with-dolls-will-it-make-him-soft-or-gay/
Thanks for reading and commenting Nathalie. I agree, curiosity and fun is what being 3 is all about (and 38 if you ask me).
A woman (oops is that identity category ok with you?) after my own heart. A lovely, down to earth piece that worked well to get us thinking about the normalisation of gender and who polices it, where, when, how, under what circumstances, and to what effects. Next time you are at Woolies try going slowly through a trashy magazine and analyse content rather than accept it – a totally new perspective. These are the kinds of messages we get every day as a method of keeping the gendered order in place. Your blog offers a counter discourse of loving, learning and nurturing because it questions gender norms and stereotypes … nice job. Could I suggest two great texts for your readers (and others) that relate very closely to your article as well as it’s fundamental theoretical perspective? They are an article titled ‘Barbie Dolls and Sea Monsters’ by Mike Messner available at http://bit.ly/TX18T0 and a film titled ‘But I’m a Cheerleader’ available at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0179116/
Thanks for your kind words Karen and also for the article and film mentions, I’ll definitely check them out.
Ta
Kate – a woman and fine with the identity category