The insurance brochure cover shows a family: Man, woman, older boy, younger girl. Because a ‘real’ family is 2+ kids right? It’s what’s expected. Some people think there’s something inexplicably sad about ‘only’ children and something selfish about parents who only pump out one pup. I beg to differ.
My story
We weren’t going to have any kids, or rather we thought we couldn’t. So instead, we were going to be one of those couples: the type with a white sofa, the type that travels to amazing places, volunteers for charities, runs every day and eats in fabulous restaurants four nights a week.
We got a dog to sate my maternal urge and I decided I’d concentrate on my career instead, or maybe write a book. But I still found myself looking enviously at swelling bellies and cringing at every Facebook post about a new bundle of joy. Then I got pregnant and all my carefully planned distraction tactics had to be reassessed. I’d spent two years convincing myself I didn’t actually want a child, now I was going to have one. It was a bit of a head fuck to be honest.
Now he’s here and he’s awesome. He’s changed my life for the better in a zillion ways and I feel amazingly lucky to have him. But also, I have to admit it’s hard. It’s hard to be responsible for another life all the time. It’s relentless and often unrewarding, emotional and downright depressing. As he get’s older it gets easier. I’ve adapted to ,and accepted, my role as a mum. He also get’s funnier and more loveable every second, which makes it all seem more worth while.
But you know what? One is enough. I only want one child. So, why is that so hard for people to understand?
My son is three and, apparently society at large thinks, this is the perfect age to pump out a little sibling for him. As a result not a day goes by that someone or other doesn’t say,
‘When are you having your next one?’
And when I answer, ‘I don’t want any more.’
People look at me dumbfounded. Horrified. Confused. How can I be so cruel, so wrong, so selfish? There are, after all, so many reasons why I should have a second child:
‘He’ll be lonely’
Really? I don’t think so. He’ll have the full attention of his parents and grandparents. We’re hands on; we enjoy jumping on the trampoline, reading stories and going to the park. I’m an ace at Lego and my husband makes cool Play Doh snails. My son has a dog. He’ll make friends. I really don’t think he’ll be lonely. He may be a loner, but that’s different. If he can be happy with his own company then I think that’s fantastic.
‘The second child is so much easier’
I get this. The first time I was so busy reading books telling me ‘how to be a mother’ and worrying about everything that I often forgot to actually enjoy my son. I know that second time around, mothers are much more chilled, that second babies sleep better, eat better, etc. But the words ‘baby’ and ‘easy’ do not go together in my mind. No matter how much easier the second baby is, it’s still hard, too hard.
‘He’ll always have someone to play with’
Hmm nice idea but I know plenty of people who hate their brothers and sisters with a passion. Creating another mini me isn’t a guarantee of harmony. Not only could he always have someone to play with but also someone to fight with. To be jealous of. To compete with.
Anyway, I want to play with my son, playing is the best bit!.
‘Only children get spoiled’
I’m fine with this. Yes, my son does have his own room, plenty of toys and plenty of attention. But he also has good manners, rarely has tantrums and understands that when mum says ‘no’ she means it. I’m happy to ‘spoil’ him with love and attention. I hope it will make him grow up confident and secure. I think that’s possible with or without a sibling.
‘You’re being selfish’
Yes, I am. I am being selfish and I’m cool with that. My husband and I are in a good place. It’s taken us about three years to get used to having another entity to look after and we’re finally there – almost. Our finances, our workload and our home life run relatively smoothly. One child is affordable. One child is manageable. One child means we can occasionally escape for some ‘couple time’. One child means life is easier.
Also, there are other things I want to do MORE than have another child. I want to travel (with and without my son), I want to write a book, I want to pay off my mortgage, I want time to exercise, to cook, to watch films, read books. I want to lie on the beach and read a book for an hour. I want to have time to myself.
I see people with two, three, four kids and I think it all looks so hectic. Their whole life revolves around their kids, and while that’s possibly exactly what some people want, it’s just not for me. Okay the ‘idea’ of a little brother or sister for my son is nice, but in reality, for me, it’s not remotely appealing or do-able.
I can say, hand on heart that I don’t want any more kids. My son will be an only child and he’ll be just fine. So please stop asking me when the next one is coming along. Okay?
About the Author: Kate Toon
Kate Toon is a writer, poet, copywriter and hula hoopa who lives on the Central Coast, (NSW) with her husband, son and dog. She likes to writes about dog poo, stalkers, bogans, being a mum and all the little things in life.
Kate has had heaps of plays performed across the globe.
She’s an active member of the Australian Poetry Society and is signed with literary agents Curtis Brown who are representing her children’s books. Her anthology of poetry “Gone Dotty” was recently published with Vivid Publishing. In ‘real life’ she’s a well-known advertising copywriter for large brands and small businesses. She can't bake cup cakes but she can play the recorder with her nose. Which is far more important really.
Kate regularly blogs her general ramblings at www.katetoon.com Related Posts
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Good on you for being honest and is it anyone’s business for a start? Life is too short to question what if. If I did I’d be very busy! I believe in fate and your angel was bought to you for a reason, wether your plan was to have kids or not. He is here and you love him unconditionally, and there is guilt, lots of it. But let me tell you……as a mother of three, I feel guilty every day about really shitty little things, which compared with the pain of the rest of the world, mean absolutely nothing. One child, 10 children, let’s gets real. Life is too short to judge other people and who makes me, my decisions and my family perfect? No one is perfect We are all different and in the end the ONLY thing that matters is that we are good people and we did the best we could. Your little man is amazing and will continue to be for the rest of his life because he has a mum like you Kate. It means nothing how many brothers and sisters he has. Love conquers all. Xx
The doctor who told me I was pregnant, said that my son ‘must have really really wanted you to be his parents’ as he was such an against the odds baby! I agree with everything you said Jen. Thanks so much for commenting. x
Excellent article Kate. As an only child myself I’m quite happy with the fact and didn’t have any urges growing up to have had siblings. I myself don’t want any kids at all, something most find even harder to accept than only wanting one. I like being ‘uncle Jules’, spending time with kids in small doses and then ‘handing them back’ so to speak
Thanks for commenting Jules. Yes the ‘no kid’ thing is a whole new discussion!!
You make a case! I don’t think there is a right or wrong about it, simply a personal choice. I actually feel a bit guilty of the thought of birthing a second child when the world is already over populated, and so many children without families.. fostering or adoption would be a serious consideration if I decide on that path.
Hey Sam, yes we had those exact points. Having a child is quite a ‘selfish’ act in itself these days! We considered adoption but it’s much harder than I realised, especially as you get older. Thanks so much for commenting.
I am also a person who only wants one child for many reasons, and my experience has taught me that it is a fool who considers it their right to judge others on such things.
One childers of the world unite. Sadly the world is just heaving with fools! Thanks very much for commenting.
Oh Kate! I’ve had all that thrown at me and more. My partner and I have one child for the many reasons listed above, but also we believe the world is populated enough. Our son is balanced, loved, kind, polite and will grow up with a strong sense of self. I think I’ve done more than my fair share. Thanks for articulating so well what many parents of only children feel.
Hey, I didn’t even remember the populated enough argument. Another strong reason. Thanks for your kind comment, it’s good to know we’re not alone!
Great post. Wrote something quite similar a while back
http://alexxstuart.com/not-just-anything
Love the ‘different’ quote. And agree, it’s SUCH a personal question. There are so many possible reasons for not having another one – some very private.
Thanks for commenting and sharing your excellent post.
Thank you Kate!
Just had a discussion with a couple of my friends last night about this very topic because, now that my daughter is 2, so many people ask me when I’ll have my next child – it’s not that I have definitely made up my mind not to but, my husband and I did decide in the beginning that one might very probably be enough.
Actually, it’s often almost enjoyable when someone who doesn’t know me well asks me this question because the thing is, I’m an only child too! And you know what?
I was happy… AND I still am!
I wasn’t lonely. Nope not at all.
I am comfortable in and enjoy my own company – I hope my daughter grows up feeling that way to.
I most definitely want my daughter to be happy. I will, do everything I can to help her become a confident, secure, happy, well mannered and nice person, who learns to enjoy life. I don’t believe that has anything to do with whether she has siblings or not.
Hi Claire,
Thanks for commenting and dispelling the belief that all only children are lonely miserable lumps who crave for a sibling and feel hard done by. Being able to enjoy your own company is one of life’s greatest skills.
It reminds me of one of my favourite quotes:
All human evil comes from a single cause, man’s inability to sit still in a room.
Blaise Pascal
I’m sure your daughter will grow up happy and feeling whole regardless of whether you produce a brother or sister.
Kate, you are *so* not alone! I feel exactly the same way. My husband and I have a 20-month-old daughter and the sleep deprivation, lack of alone time, lack of couple time, and overall lack of freedom have made us quite certain we’re not going through this again. She’s an absolute love, but one is enough for us.
However, society at large seems to disagree with us, insisting we need to “give” her a sibling. But no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to find that rulebook… you know, the one where it says that (a) every couple must have children, and (b) the minimum requirement is two. When I do, I’ll let you know!
Hey Karen
Ah I know that rule book, I think there’s also a chapter on how mummy’s should make muffins and 10 top tips on Tessellation your fridge shelves.
My 3 year old has started drawing pictures of his ‘little brother’, just to drive the guilt home a little more.
Him: ‘That’s me mummy, that’s you, that’s daddy and that’s my little brother.’
Me: ‘What is your little brother called?’
Him: ‘Susan.’
Not sure what is going on in his little brain, but hopefully he’ll grow out of it and learn to appreciate the power of one.
Thanks for commenting!
‘Susan’… love it!!
Hallejulah! Somebody who speaks my language! I also have a precocious and amazing three year old son. I have consciously decided I will not have any more children. Thank you for your wonderfully put- and honest- reasons- I agree wholeheartedly with them all! One and done. I hate the air of judgement and sometimes superiority that comes from moms of more. And to add insult to injury, I’m a preschool teacher as well, so I must want loads of kids! Can’t we all just unite? One, two or (OMG) five kids? Solidarity sisters! Moms are moms.
Thanks for the proof that although my child may be an only, he (and moms of onlys) are not alone!
Hey Jennifer. I know that feeling. I rejoice whenever I find another solo childer and sob gently into my pillow each time I hear that chums with one child are having another one.
I would argue that a preschool teacher is most definitely allowed to only have one child. I don’t know how you do it!
Agree Moms are Moms (or Mums or Mums in Australian). You are NOT alone!!
Thanks for commenting
Kate
As a mother of two children I have to say that I think your one hell of smart woman!
I love both of my children profoundly and fret over their survival constantly. But if I had been thinking a little bit more realistically nine-and-a-half years ago I would have stuck with one child. I wasn’t thinking at the time, I was driven by that crazy, hormonal, innately irrational urge to procreate.
One thing people don’t think much about, is that you can’t control how that little person who squeezes out your vagina or is sliced out of your uterus (in my case the latter) is going to turn out.
My second child is a beautiful person; but for all her wonderful qualities comes a hearty helping of difficult. This is a kid who is so persistent and tenacious that she breastfed every hour for the first two years. Two years! Imagine the deprivations my first child suffered! (And don’t think I didn’t try everything to get the little darling off the tit, but this is a kid who can suck the Tabasco sauce off your nipples and dive in for seconds; such is the sheer strength of her will.)
In those first two years I developed grey hair and wrinkles; put on ten kilos; dropped my degree; went into a sexual identity crisis and ended up in an 18month relationship with a closet homosexual with about five different mental illnesses. That’s how fucked up sleep deprivation makes you.
My first child blames me entirely for ruining her life by having a second child and secretly hopes for the day when the aliens come down to earth to beam her little sister back home. She is yet to praise me for my efforts to give her a playmate and rescue her from the burden of being spoiled.
Most of the parents I know have either opted for one child or wished they had! And many of them are just in awe of those clever folk who decided not to have children at all.
Truth is, it doesn’t matter how many kids you have or how difficult they are, you’ll love them and enjoy them and be glad you had them. But why not just enjoy the specialness of being able to lavish all your love and patience on one child? (Or a cat!) What’s wrong with that? No-one was ever ‘spoiled’ by having too much love.
Grey hair (Check), Ten kilos (Check + 2), Sexual identity Crisis (check). No closet homeosexual issues, but having a child has completely killed our sex life so you never know (sorry husband).
Agree with bells on, you can’t be spoiled by too much love. My child is definitely not a brat, has boundaries and discipline but also heaps of attention, not because I feel I have to, but because hanging out with him is totes enjoyable.
And I’ll tell you something. I found a stray dog the other day, took him home and bathed him, brushed him, fed him. For a brief period I thought, ‘ooh shall I keep him?’
MY other dog (Pamplemousse) was jealous, barking, fed up. The dog people came and got him after an hour (hopefully to reunite him with his family). An hour was enough. I struggled to give new dog, old dog and son attention. I felt guilty! If I’m like that over a child how would my son feel?
I’ve already got two people in the family feeling neglected (me, and my husband), I don’t need another one thanks.
Thanks so much for commenting and sharing your story! One day I’m sure your first born will wake up to what an awesome mum you are. Probably the same day she has a second child herself!
Ha ha ha! Yes, if you can’t handle two pets it’s a pretty good indication two children isn’t going to work either!
oh what a relief to stumble across your article – i printed it off & ran home to my spouse with glee – I am not alone. I have been struggling with the only child situation, my boy is 2 & a bit, it must be the time. I live in an area with a high migrant population. My cambodian neighbours do not understand, & everybody from the neightbours to my friendly vietmese grocer is constantly intoning (unsolicited) “only one – ohhh-he will be lonely” . ah no because he has a couple of parents who are into him & make sure he gets out & about as much as he needs – he could always come & play with your kids! In short I live in an area (Dandenong) where 3-8 kids is the norm. My local women in general are not attempting to work & finish their psychology degrees. So I do worry about him feeling odd, & the ‘alonenessof one only’ I feel does get me down – so your incisive story was very comforting to me- a big thankyou. If there is any place where one child women go – let me know.
ps a very wise psychologist in my home town of Sydney advised me to just get away from my siblings – they really do my head in! I did we moved to Melbourne!
Hey Isabel
I’m a firm believe that there is a big difference in being ‘lonely’ and ‘alone’. Yes our only children will have times where there is ‘no one to play with’ (thank god for the dog though). Is this the end of the world? NO. Being able to entertain yourself and be happy in your own company is one of life’s great accomplishments.
Us one women children can go anyway with our proud heads held high, and smug looks on our faces as we see some poor mother of 4 trying to strap them into her people carrier, while loading enough shopping into the boot to feed the population of France.
Thanks for commenting
Kate
My 9 month old little man is snuggled into my chest and is fast asleep as I read this and I love it because I can lay here with him on the couch without having to worry about another child at the same time.
Selfish? U bet! My husband and I are getting back to “normal.” Yes, I get that the “normal” we once knew is long gone but I am just fine with one. Ok he’s only 9 months and we need to give it time but I actually like my stress-free life and I also like my husband. I know what having another would do not only to finances but the relationship I have with my husband.
I love your post. Before I had him I was jealous of every pregnant woman in sight but now I feel the total opposite. When I see a pregnant woman now I am so happy that’s not me. Yes they say the beginning is tough (and it was). Yes they say it gets easier (and it has). They say give it time, you’ll want another (ummmm don’t think so).
Yep I totally agree Tambo. A few of my friends are now pregnant with their second and though I’m pleased for them (as it’s what they want) I secretly breath a HUGE sigh of relief that it’s not me. My son has been very sick lately and once again I was thankful that I was able to give him the attention he needed without having to worry about number 2.
So many people give me a knowing look and say ‘well you say you don’t want another child now, but give it time”, it’s a touch annoying but hey, the proof will out.
Also finally got my mum to realise there would be no more grandchildren from me and that was a relief!
Thanks very much for commenting and give your 9 month old a hug from me.(One great thing is that you can still get lots of hugs off your other friends mini humans – and then give them back!!)
Kate
Also, if we only have one at least it’s a boy and he can carry on the family name.
One of my good friends just told us last night that they’re expecting their third. We knew it was coming because that’s what she wanted but yikes! When my baby was younger I was telling her that I think we’re good with one she said that you have to think of what you want for the future. I want my sanity for my future thank you very much!
Well I’d argue that girls can also carry on the family name: http://www.discordia.com.au/should-you-change-your-name-when-you-get-married/ !
Yes sanity would be nice wouldn’t it? But I’m not sure I ever had that!
Yes, you’re right. Girls can carry on the family name.
I know a few who are having their second this year. At least they know what to expect. But I still think no matter how much you’re prepared, even for the second and third, you now have a new set of challenges. In the early months with ours my husband said it was scary how unprepared we were for a “normal” baby. Meaning we didn’t have our crap together mentally as much as we thought we did. And the “normal” thing, well, we were blessed with a healthy “easy” baby and it was still challenging.
I was an only child until I was 6. Now I’m the eldest of three. I was highly offended when my mum got pregnant with my younger siblings, and looking back now, I don’t think she was too thrilled about it. So many of the reasons those people have put forward to you are incredibly weak. My siblings and I get along really well, but you’re right – sharing parents and growing up in the same home doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get along. What’s the point of having more children if you can’t (or don’t want to) afford them? Good on you for not caving to the opinions of others.
Hey Sophie
I agree. My brother was 5 when I appeared, he kind of hated me, but got over it eventually.
The more time passes, the more glad I am that I’ve made the one child decision. When it feels right it generally is right!
Thanks so much for commenting!
Best wishes,
Kate
It’s strange how I literally know no one who has chosen other one child situation. There are a smattering of only-child-not-by-choice, which I argue is a smidge bit different, not to mention those mums usually throw the stink eye my way given I’m pre-30, presumably with many a child rearing day ahead yet we have the audacity to stop at one. Pfft.i actually never expected to join this club. Like many I’m sure, I just assumed I’d have 2 or 3 kids. Heck, husband and I already had names etc picked out for recruit número 2, but for the tiny niggle which has grown into a fully fledged conscious decision that one child completes our family. We are happy. I can’t say that for my 5 brothers (each of whom has 2+, some are honestly down right miserable and unable toncopenwith their decision), all of whom resented me growing up and now we no longer talk. Siblings for company? My brothers missed that memo. Siblings to help care for acing parents? Must’ve had their phones on silent for that one. The reality for us is, if I or husband truly, hormonally, and psychologically wanted a 2nd child, we’d make it happen and no excuse would be big enough to stop us, it would be right and that’s that. As it happens, every excuse under the sun is enough to staeve off the 2nd child convo, it therefore is just not for us. We’re all good!